Do you find it difficult to open up to people about your problems? Has it gone even beyond that to feel alone in your accomplishments?
People not responding as positively as you expected to a personal achievement can be a harsh motivation killer. It can feel like nobody understands how you feel about some things. Needless to say, it is the worst feeling ever to let yourself be vulnerable in front of a close one and that person shows you no sympathy whatsoever. Well, you are not alone. Nevertheless, if you feel lonely at needing or prospering times, unable to find love and acknowledgment in the places you search for it, doesn't mean you can't find it elsewhere.
Below I will first walk you through my story, which you can safely skip. If you decided to walk through it and found it relatable then join the community of Imperceptibles by signing up or hit me up for a chat. The sections after that are where the main points of today's topic are discussed. I hope you find this page useful.
( If you are a parent looking to be your grown-up's emotional support, then there will be a section to help you gain some insight to help you do just that. Something I wish my parents had seen. Jump right there )
My Story:
Just before I started writing this post I took a look at the notebook with pink covers, which was something like a personal journal and a diary. My lifesaver! In this book, I used to record a bunch of different things. Most of what's written there are my feelings and thoughts from the times when I felt immense sadness and occasionally deep satisfaction, accompanied by painful demotivation to do anything as I was unable to truly express myself to anyone. Deep down I knew that these emotions would pass and sooner or later I would forget about them.
During that time I couldn’t help but imagine a scene from the far future. I would be parenting a child that was about my current age with whom I couldn’t get along and whenever I looked into its eyes I couldn't help but feel sorrow. Then my imagination would shift to where my future self was rediscovering that notebook with pink covers on an old dusted shelf. Reading through it, the future me's eyes would be full of tears as mine were while I was writing it. And then everything in the future would take a positive turn and the relationship with my teenage child would meet a sunny happy ever after. I never wrote these thoughts down, but the degree to which such a dream remained so vivid is remarkable.
How strong could hope be? I still don't remember what exactly were my feelings, but I do remember how disappointed I was with how life was presenting itself to me. But an idea of a future, brighter, still chaotic, but bearable would always flow to the surface. I know you too can find that hope to empower you.
Back then the first piece of text I wrote there was on the 29th of November, 2019.
There are three main topics I can distinguish now from the chaotic text I wrote back then. The breakdown you can find with the translated text. Just follow the link above.
How Much Can It Hurt?
So you might be wondering why it is so hard to share both your problems and accomplishments and what to do in such situations. To one end, it is closely linked with the negative feelings that come when being misunderstood, misjudged, or when others deny or downgrade the scale of your problem. But it also goes a bit beyond that...
I bet you have felt misunderstood at one point in your life. This might have caused different emotional reactions and might have raised some of the following questions or their variations: Am I the black sheep? Am I wrong or are they wrong? Am I a weakling?
And that's not necessarily a bad thing. This is how we self-regulate and learn. The problem arises when you start doubting your values and interests. And if this happens frequently, then either you lose yourself trying to comply with the needs of the people near you or you might lose trust in others, ending up lonely with nobody to share any future events - be it positive or negative. Either way, your need to belong suffers.
Need to belong - It took me some time to understand this term as it is not a want. It is a human need and it is as strong as the need for food and water. We cannot live without it. It is a psychological term that has two parts. Firstly, we need to have regular social contact or social interactions on a daily basis. Secondly, we need to have a couple of meaningful ongoing close relationships where we can be ourselves.
Taking this to another extreme, being constantly misunderstood can feel like the whole world is going against you and that you are all alone. This leads to victimization, which is not a good state to be in.
To me, it gets even worse if your happiness doesn’t meet the response you expected from those close to you. It crushes you and leaves you devastated. All the happiness vanishes in the blink of an eye and you are left wondering, what is wrong with you? No worries, I might have purposefully overdramatized this one, yet either way, it is not a pleasant feeling if it keeps repeating.
Well, it is getting too dark and negative, so let’s fix that.
Value Clashes Within the Family?
Let's talk about values, shall we?
It is a good realization to have that people judge you on a scale guided by their own value system, which might differ substantially from yours. If you keep looking for closeness with people not matching your values, this can cause you to feel "alone in the crowd".
True, people have the tendency to group up with others with the same values, however, there is no choosing of one's relatives. Even though family members usually share the same values it is not always the case, as it is not in mine. And that's okay. It is also fairly common these days as the new generation is exposed to all kinds of role models, ideologies, and interests on the internet than ever before. We also spend more time with friends than with our relatives, which was also not the case in the past.
Now, imagine a situation where you are born into a family of engineers and your grades at school do not meet your family’s standards. However, while growing up, you spent many hours with your friend in his aunt's garden watching her paint the canvas. Your values, interests, and attitude toward art are stronger than toward calculations and science. You feel naturally drawn to the colors and beauty of paintings. Is it hard for you? With demanding parents, of course, it is. Most likely they will never be as happy as they would have been if you were more enthusiastic about calculus.
If you relate to this story, it is how it is and you can’t force anything out of yourself, nor you can force anything out of them. But still, it’s up to you how the story ends. You might decide to follow "engineering". If you are doing something you are not passionate about, only to make someone proud, you can never perform as high as they would like you to. Unless you are able to give one hundred percent effort into that thing. Would that make you happy though? The alternative is to become the best version of yourself by following your heart. Whatever the outcome in the second scenario is I bet you will be happy and confident with it.
Well, you might say I put too much weight on the latter. I strongly believe that as we leave our parents' lobby and start to live life on our own, sooner or later life pushes us towards breaking free of their expectations, where we can finally focus on what gives our existence meaning. And if you are already on that path, maybe you have seen that this also gives you the ability to make them proud in the long term, just in a different way.
Having talked about this with people from different age groups, nobody in the first situation was happy with how they were doing, nor were their relatives any more proud. What was also interesting is that nobody in the older spectrum was actually compliant with their parents' anymore yet not perceived as "rebellious", as they have already carved their path in life.
What I am trying to say is that in most cases, in the end, as your parents see you satisfied and performing well in the game of life, they will be happy too, despite having other expectations initially.
How does this relate to our problem? Well, hanging around with people with the same values as you should solve the issue, although it is easier said than done. This can also mean to let go of certain people you were close to before, but recently grown apart. That way you can at least be each other's distant supporters.
( Having different thoughts? Share your opinions in the comments section at the end of this page. )
Finding Your Emotional Support
Above was the logical reasoning behind what might be causing the problem. But we are all humans and reason does not come in handy when emotions are lurking around. This makes us even more interesting as living beings and there is beauty in that.
There are a couple of things you should try to lower your distress:
1. Your family is dear to you
The people that come to mind whenever we are looking for emotional support are family members. They are the closest to us biologically and share our genes and blood, so it comes naturally, right? However, you might have had past experiences that give you reasons not to trust them with your feelings and I can completely relate to that. Here are a few suggestions. Тhey are not applicable to everyone as life is so colorful that there is uniqueness in every situation:
Talk with your grandparents. They have the wisdom of at least two generations and they appreciate it when grandchildren talk to them.
Look for other relatives. It might be the case for you to have an aunt or uncle with whom you have spent quite some time in your childhood. Why not rekindle that relationship?
Let your parents know how you feel. And be completely honest about it. And try not to blame them even if they are the source of your troubles. This is counterintuitive to what I have said so far but think about it. Believe me, it is worthwhile to try and fix whatever troubles your relationship with your parents. Just let them know that you need some help emotionally and that you want them to be your support. They want that too, but in most cases, they just don't know how. So tell them.
It is okay to be pulled back at first too. After all, they might try to force their values onto you even if they don't mean to do so. Don't push back and don't force your values on them. Simply take what they say at face value while keeping in mind that they are people from a completely different time.
2. Your peer group
Your friends are probably the best possible solution. Go out, meet some people, and talk with them, after all, that is what friends are for. Those that you have chosen to befriend are more likely to have the same values as you do, while it is not always the case with family members. It is worth investing in some meaningful friendships. Going out in such a situation is better than being closed in a room and feeling down, all alone with your troubling thoughts. This is an introvert's advice.
3. Journaling
My social circle had fallen down at that time and I had lost my faith in most of my remaining friends. After all, if my family couldn’t understand how I felt, then how could others? It is easy to assume that especially if you are still living with your parents. What I used to do and never stopped so far is writing. Letting your thoughts out on a piece of paper might ease the pain. You might think of it as writing a diary. Maybe I am just being delusional by not labeling it as keeping a diary, but I think you get the idea.
For me, as I wrote I was talking to the letters. That way I had a feeling that someone was listening to me. Be sure, to be honest with yourself though. Honesty to your own self helps to let go of the troublesome thoughts, which otherwise stick with you. Think of it as a form of meditation.
Art, music, and poetry are all forms of expressing one's emotions and as such, they also have the same effect as journaling. Try any of these out and see how it goes for you.
4. Do something worthwhile
Do something. Really, just do anything that is worthwhile. I had the tendency to be lost in thoughts and do nothing for quite some time. Recently I came across a YouTube thumbnail: “Inaction is the silent killer”. Be careful though...
Avoid irrational behavior
There is salvation through action. The keyword here is “worthwhile”. Do something worthwhile stands for “do anything that is not just immediate pleasure”. It might be something that gives you pleasure but is a long-term investment at the same time. Mindfulness practices and hobbies are included as I see they are the best investment one can make for themselves. For example, doing sports, going hiking, doing physical labor, volunteering, and literary anything that includes prosocial behavior with other people.
My personal suggestions lean more towards the physical side since there is shown to be a link between feeling good and physical activity. Personally, I find it hard to keep concentrated on tasks that require intense mental focus while troubled by negative emotions. So move around a bit. Enjoy some of your hobbies.
5. Get out of the victim mindset
While reading the first chapter of the pink-covered notebook described in my Story section, I had a feeling that I was playing the victim. This is a coping mechanism that hinders your growth and has the potential to backfire very badly. It prevents you from taking responsibility for what happens. This very topic is covered deeply in the book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Mason. Definitely go check it out.
The key idea here is to know that you might not always have full control over what happens, but you are always the one responsible for what you do next. Blaming your misfortunes on karma or others is not a valuable strategy nonetheless. You don't want to give all the control over your life to what others do while feeling bitter and resentful. A far better approach is to figure out what you can control and put your focus there. It is up to you to bring any change to your life. Easier said than done. It is also a difficult commitment mentally as this would mean taking responsibility for all of your faults. But it's the only thing to do, given the alternative.
In our case, you can't control how people respond to you, but you do control to whom you open up. And that you actually find the courage to do so despite the past shortcomings, rather than bottling up your feelings.
( Actually, I can talk all day about victimization (and over-empowerment/narcism) the whole day. Let me know if you want to talk about or see a future post about responsibility and fighting the victim mindset. )
6. Extract the useful
It is unwise to completely close your eyes to what others do and say. Sometimes it might give you good feedback or at least a reason to doubt some of your beliefs. Being mindful and open-minded in this situation can help you completely forgo some irrational beliefs or strengthen your attitude toward them. This is how we grow as cultural beings. For example, you feel misunderstood for doing drugs (using an extreme intentionally). After you think about it after someone's disapproval you might conclude that it is not good for you and you begin a behavioral change that could eventually lead to a better life overall.
To be more precise, all I am saying is that you shouldn't completely ignore others. That's the opposite of wisdom. In the end, it's still you that decides for you.
Are You a Parent?
If you are a parent reading through this, then you have all my respect and admiration because you are trying to mend your relationship with your child. And I wish you all the best.
I do understand taking parenting advice from someone that has never parented before might feel a bit odd. After all, what do I know?
About parenting - absolutely nothing. But I still remember what I wish my parents would do when our bonds started crumbling. I was lucky enough to have had wise selfless people coach me throughout my life to have the family as one of my core values.
As a grown-up adult, chances are you are far more emotionally stable than a teen, so it is important to be patient and not pushy toward your child. Take responsibility, detach yourself from your feelings, and become a third-person observer of the situation.
Your expectations
You need to let go of your expectations if you have any, as this is the most damaging thing you can do. Don't judge them based on what you think they like and want out of life.
Your ego
Your sympathy
Newly met friends
Maybe I am expecting too much from you. It is certainly not an easy task to showcase such a high level of self-regulation. I don't know what you should or can do, but I do know what you shouldn't do. So don't take my words as advice, but rather as a perspective of a student.